Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fighting a sidewalk...with my face

It's a little after 11:00 in the pm on Sunday, and I am so tired that if Erin Andrews walked into my room right now and asked me to play spin the bottle with her and Rachel Nichols, I would say no. To help you understand my exhaustion, I'll give you a rundown of my weekend.


I had to work until 8, and then I met up with Kyle at his place. We watched the first half of a movie called 'Choke,' and then went bowling. They had a special that let you bowl from 11:30-2 a.m. for $15, so we did that. We bowled 8 games, and it didn't even take us 2 hours. Unfortunately, I was having a hard time channeling my inner Ernie McCracken that night, so my high game was a 157. But, I beat Kyle every game so that made me feel better. The strikes weren't coming easy for me, but I had one incredible spare in our 4th game. I left the 7 pin (this is the pin in the far left corner for you non-bowlers) standing from my first ball, and I wanted to have a little fun while trying to pick up the spare. I stood next to the computer screen by the chairs (about 20 feet or so from the foul line) and slowly rolled my ball down the lane. It couldn't have been going faster than 4 mph as it steadily crept toward the 7 pin (80+ feet away). Kyle and I watched it for what seemed like an eternity, and he died laughing when the pin fell. Dead center shot. Yeah, I'm that good.

So after bowling we went back to Kyle's house to finish 'Choke,' and it was hilarious. Sam Rockwell plays a sex addict/con artist, which makes for some excellent plotline. The movie was based on the novel Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, who also wrote Fight Club. Since I am a professional critic, I'll go ahead and give this movie a rating. B+

The movie ended around 3 am and I was home and asleep by 4. My dad was in town and he wanted to meet for breakfast Saturday morning, and I had to do it early, because I needed to make 2 deliveries (an elliptical and a bike) before I went into work at 10am.

I met dad and his gf for breakfast at 7am, after getting a little over 2 hours sleep. Then I made both of my deliveries, opened the store, and worked until 3. I immediately went home and slept, but only for about an hour, because I had to meet J Steve to jam, and then head to Dayton with Mariella to see Kevin (Kyle's twin brother.)

Dayton was well worth the trip. Mariella and I hung out with Kevin, his gf, and a lot of their civil engineer friends. (I'm convinced that UD only offers 2 degrees. Accounting and Civil Engineering.)

Mariella wanted to check out this place called the masque, so the 3 of us went (her, Kevin and I). When we got there, it was apparent that a large majority of the crowd was of the homosexual nature. Kevin and I took full advantage of this and jumped on the platform in the middle of the dance floor. We were dancing like it was 1999. Kevin did his patented strut, and I was basically bobbing my head to the beat and flailing my arms around. Even though both of us suck at dancing, we got our point across to every gay man in the joint. Kevin and I were a couple. This insured that we wouldn't get hit on once by a guy, and of course, we didn't, for the entire night.

After watching a drag show with Mariella and dancing with some girls (to wash the scent of gay off of us), we decided to call it a night. Kevin made the decision for us to walk home, which didn't turn out so well.

The sidewalks were completely covered with ice and it didn't help that I had drank a few juice boxes. Normally I am an extremely coordinated person, but that was not the case Saturday night. I took one wrong step, and faceplanted on the cement. So, today I look like Roy Jones Jr. after he got lit up by Joe Calzaghe. Except I cut my right eye, and Roy cut his left.

Hopefully my eye heals quickly because it's already getting old hearing people ask "What happened to your eye?" 189,702 times a day. I think I'm just going to start making up a new story every time someone asks me. This could be a lot of fun. "I pissed off an old lady and she took a louisville slugger to my face."

If you have any wonderful stories that I can use, feel free to post them under the comment section.

Oh, and as I promised, I kicked off the 'Prank of the week' or POTW. BK was the first victim. Here's the prank:

BK and I were working our usual Wednesday shift together, and during one of his lengthy conversations with a customer (the kid never stops talking. never.) I yanked his phone. He was texting some high school girl that he was supposed to take to a movie in 2 days. (We'll call her jailbait, or JB for short.) So I quickly go into his contacts and change her phone number to mine, and erase my name in the phone. I put his phone back, and the mayhem began. He comes back to his phone and sees that he has a message from jailbait. It reads 'I have to be honest with you. I think we should hook up Friday night.'

The look on his face was absolutely priceless. His eyes lit up, and a big smile came to his face. I was hoping he'd immediately show me the message and start bragging, but that didn't happen. He replies, and I flick open my phone. 'No.'

No?!? Ok, this gave me all the proof I needed to close the ongoing case of BK's sexual preference. He likes the sausage.

I was still having a little fun with this, so I sent him another text. 'What if I got one of my girlfriends to join us?'

He didn't get excited by this message like he did the first. His fingers were blazing at a mile a minute and he wrote a freaking novel of a text message, when 'Yes' would have done just fine. Here's what he said:

'I don't think we should do that, and I dont think this is really jailbait texting me, blah blah blah.'

You don't need to hear the rest, trust me. I probably could have went on with this for a while and convinced him that it was JB texting him, but I didn't have the energy. So I showed him my phone and the messages he was sending to me. He called me a few choice words and I simply reminded him of the comment he wrote on my previous blog post.

"I am not easy to trick F%#* you man!!!"

Seriously man, keep your eyes and ears open, and your butthole closed. These pranks will be a lot more fun for me if I actually have to try.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I'm a Nigerian Prince

Ok, I know you're probably itching to hear the meaning of the title to this blog post, but calm down. I'll get to it. I'm gonna start my blogs like I usually do, by chronicling (is that a word?) the most eventful night of my past weekend. This weekend, it was Friday.

I was dying to go see Griffin House at Southgate because he's definitely one of my favorite musicians, and even though I've attended over 100 concerts, I had yet to see him. And believe it or not, up until friday I was under the impression that Griffin House was just the name of the band and not his actual name. My bad. But anyway, J Steve and I went to the show and it was unreal. Griffin did covers of "I fought the law," and "Twist and Shout" that brought the house down! If you haven't listened to or heard of this guy yet, do yourself a favor and click the link I made at the beginning of this paragraph. He's a Cincinnati native, and he's one of the greatest lyricists I've ever heard.

So during the concert, there were 2 girls in front of us taking a picture of themselves. J Steve thought this would be the perfect oppurtunity to pop his head in the picture and make a face that resembled a child molester. The girls looked at the picture after taking it (which I notice girls like to do, but guys honestly could give a crap less about) and immediately realized that the creeper behind them found a way to get into their photo. So they turn around and start a conversation. Genius J Steve. Simply genius. This is the stuff legends are made of.

After about 5 minutes of talking to the girls, it was obvious which one of them was the fun-loving beauty and which was mother hen. And it didn't take long before mother hen decided to step in and pull her friend (who was literally hanging on J Steve) away. Maybe she was drunk or maybe she was jealous that she wasn't as hot as her friend. Either way, J Steve was sadly cockblocked.

Even though the concert was the tits, the real adventure started after we left. I had to piss so badly I was seriously considering raining a golden shower all over a plant on the street. But I didn't feel like spending my night in a 5X5 cell with convicts, so I drove to the nearest White Castle. It was after midnight, and this particular White Castle had the entire crew of bone thugs n harmony hanging in and around the establishment. Honestly though, they could have all been waving guns around and it wouldn't have stopped me from running inside to piss.

So one of bone thugs' crew walks into the mens bathroom right in front of me, and i saw that it had a toilet and a urinal. He took the toilet, and I snuck in behind him to take the urinal. He starts to do his business (number 1) and I'm trying to unbuckle my belt in a frenzy. This is when he realizes that there is someone else in the bathroom and shouts "What the F!@K?" I run out and jump in the womens bathroom. Empty. Thank God. I let the flood gates open, then make a quick exit to my car and tell J Steve we should leave. Quickly.

This little encounter has sparked much debate from my friends. Some think that this type of bathroom is meant for one person, and just gives them the option of what to use. Others think that it can be shared. I'm not sure where I stand, but I know where I stood in that moment. If you have an opinion on this matter, feel free to comment.

Ok, now that I've wasted way too much time on a bathroom story, I'll explain my title.

I recently decided to sell my beautiful 1994 Ford F150 pickup truck, so I posted an ad on craigslist for it. $2000. An absolute bargain. So much of a bargain that "Mike Duncan" aka "Craigslist Scammer" emailed me about it. Here's his first email:

"Hello sellerI saw your item listed on craigslist and am interested in buying.Please let me know if it is still available andyour final price for the item.Thank you and looking forward to your quick response to my inquiry.Contact me for any infoRegards Duncan"

I left everything intact, and didn't change a thing. The mistypes and bad sentence structure are all his doing. So, I replied to this email by saying:

"I can only sell it to you if you're from Nigeria. That's where the truck is located. I'm a prince and my father is the King. He owns the truck and wants to get rid of it."

Mike Duncan was either unphased by this situation or didn't get that I was joking, so he emailed me again:

"Thanks for getting back to me..I still have interest in the item and I want you to get hold of it for me cos I told you that I want to get it for myself as I really need the item..So I will like to see more pics of the item if you don't have don't bother okay,and I will like method of payment to be in Check,cashier check and bank certified check..or Money Order .So as soon as you receive it,I will wait till the payment clears in your bank before my shipping company will come for the pick up of the item in your location.....So I will like to have the following list for the payment
FULL NAME...........................
PHONE NUMBER..............................
So that my secretary can send out the payment in time and its available to cash in the bank or any cashing store around you..I will be looking forward to hear back from you....
Regards Mr Duncan"

At this point I was absolutely flabergasted at this guys stupidity, but a little impressed by his persistence. So, I thought I'd offer him a little advice. Here's my reply:

"Let me help you out with what you're trying to do by giving you 10 ways to make your scam better:

1. Use proper English, and proof read the scam emails you send people.
2. Refer to the "item" your'e buying as the actual item you're buying, instead of just calling it "item." You are supposedly buying a truck from me, so call it a truck.
3. If your scam gets shown in the public, then change it. People know, and they won't fall for it anymore.
4. "Mike Duncan" isn't a very good alias. Too common of a name.
5. Craigslist warns everyone NOT to take checks, so why would I take a check from you?
6. Let's be honest. You don't have a secretary. You're not making any money, so how can you pay a secretary?
7. I heard McDonald's is hiring. Get a real job!
8. It doesn't make sense that you would be willing to purchase a $2,000 truck without seeing it. Set up a face-to-face at least.
9. Make sure you read the replies to the first email you send out. I replied to you and said I was a Nigerian prince. Obviously you didn't read this before you wrote back to me and said you were still interested in buying my truck.
10. Buy a gun. Buy bullets. Put the gun in your mouth, and pull the trigger."

In retrospect, maybe the last part was a little bit too much. But I needed something to really grab his attention.

This is by far the longest blog post I've written. So, if you made it this far, you deserve to be rewarded. Heres your Craigslist posting of the day:

One final thought. I'm thinking about creating a 'Prank of the week' segment. Most of the pranks, obviously will be pulled on BK, because let's face it, he's just too easy to trick.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tonight was our 4th basketball game in the league at Sports Plus, and I'm glad to say that we brought home the 'W'. It was against a mediocre high school team, but still, we won! I didn't play a great game, but at times I resembled Jimmy Chitwood. But I would like to give a shout out to the one person that reads this blog. You know who you are. Anyways, thanks for coming to the game! You doubled our crowd attendance!

In other news, I saw 'He's Just Not That into You' on Saturday night. Do yourself a favor and save your money. Don't see it. Outside of the lovely Scarlett Johansson, and the cute, loveable Ginnifer Goodwin, the movie was pretty weak. The plot was weaker than Brandon Kisker's jumpshot. It was basically guys cheating on their wives and girls obsessing over guys that never liked them in the first place. No. Thank. You.

After the basketball game last tonight I watched a little bit of a hockey game in which BK's dad and our boss were playing in. I have to admit, after seeing a few 50-year old guys ram each other into the wall, I don't think hockey is the gayest sport anymore. I know give that title to Team Handball. Seriously, these guys are making moves that I did at the basketball courts when I was 5. You don't have to dribble, or pass, or pretty much do anything in team handball. And there is no contact. Congratulations hockey players, you're no longer playing the gayest sport in the world.

And here it is. Your craigslist posting of the day:
I mean, honestly, who wouldn't want this?!?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Larry Fitzgerald is amazing

After a very long weekend, I thought I'd blog about a few things that happened. Saturday was a lot of fun, because I had the chance to record a few songs at Nick's. I added some harmonica to a song, and he wrote a little riff to go along with it, and it sounded really good all put together. I should have the songs on my page within a week or so.

Saturday night I went to Dave & Buster's (aka the adult Chucke Cheese) for Kisker's 21st birthday party. That was a lot of fun, and it was pretty funny seeing him drink shot after shot that people were buying him. We played pool and shuffleboard for a while, and then we moved to the game room where Kisker was dominated by a girl in hoops. After that we played some Jurassic Park, where he proceeded to curse at the dinasours. Simply hilarioius. What made the night even better though was being told I look like Kiefer Sutherland (aka Jack Bauer) for the 1,098,054 time by Kisker's mom. I guess I can see it, but I'll let you decide for yourself.

Sunday I had to work, but still got to watch the abortion of a football game they called the Super Bowl. Seriously, not only did Pittsburgh get all the calls, the refs didn't even review the final play of the game which they called a fumble. Arizona had to use 2 challenges to overturn calls that shouldn't have been made in the first place. This win of course is just going to fuel the fire of the "Big Ben is the greatest quarterback in the league" talk. Correct me if I'm wrong, but so far in 2 super bowls, the guy has 1 TD pass and 3 INT. Not so good. Honestly, you could put Jeff Rowe on the Steelers and he would win them a super bowl. Roffnisburger is blessed with an amazing team. Okay, my steeler rant is officially over.

Here is your Craigslist status of the day:
Lisa Erhart is F santonio holmes and his F'n stoner ass should have been suspended 10 games ago!