Sunday, February 15, 2009

I'm a Nigerian Prince

Ok, I know you're probably itching to hear the meaning of the title to this blog post, but calm down. I'll get to it. I'm gonna start my blogs like I usually do, by chronicling (is that a word?) the most eventful night of my past weekend. This weekend, it was Friday.

I was dying to go see Griffin House at Southgate because he's definitely one of my favorite musicians, and even though I've attended over 100 concerts, I had yet to see him. And believe it or not, up until friday I was under the impression that Griffin House was just the name of the band and not his actual name. My bad. But anyway, J Steve and I went to the show and it was unreal. Griffin did covers of "I fought the law," and "Twist and Shout" that brought the house down! If you haven't listened to or heard of this guy yet, do yourself a favor and click the link I made at the beginning of this paragraph. He's a Cincinnati native, and he's one of the greatest lyricists I've ever heard.

So during the concert, there were 2 girls in front of us taking a picture of themselves. J Steve thought this would be the perfect oppurtunity to pop his head in the picture and make a face that resembled a child molester. The girls looked at the picture after taking it (which I notice girls like to do, but guys honestly could give a crap less about) and immediately realized that the creeper behind them found a way to get into their photo. So they turn around and start a conversation. Genius J Steve. Simply genius. This is the stuff legends are made of.

After about 5 minutes of talking to the girls, it was obvious which one of them was the fun-loving beauty and which was mother hen. And it didn't take long before mother hen decided to step in and pull her friend (who was literally hanging on J Steve) away. Maybe she was drunk or maybe she was jealous that she wasn't as hot as her friend. Either way, J Steve was sadly cockblocked.

Even though the concert was the tits, the real adventure started after we left. I had to piss so badly I was seriously considering raining a golden shower all over a plant on the street. But I didn't feel like spending my night in a 5X5 cell with convicts, so I drove to the nearest White Castle. It was after midnight, and this particular White Castle had the entire crew of bone thugs n harmony hanging in and around the establishment. Honestly though, they could have all been waving guns around and it wouldn't have stopped me from running inside to piss.

So one of bone thugs' crew walks into the mens bathroom right in front of me, and i saw that it had a toilet and a urinal. He took the toilet, and I snuck in behind him to take the urinal. He starts to do his business (number 1) and I'm trying to unbuckle my belt in a frenzy. This is when he realizes that there is someone else in the bathroom and shouts "What the F!@K?" I run out and jump in the womens bathroom. Empty. Thank God. I let the flood gates open, then make a quick exit to my car and tell J Steve we should leave. Quickly.

This little encounter has sparked much debate from my friends. Some think that this type of bathroom is meant for one person, and just gives them the option of what to use. Others think that it can be shared. I'm not sure where I stand, but I know where I stood in that moment. If you have an opinion on this matter, feel free to comment.

Ok, now that I've wasted way too much time on a bathroom story, I'll explain my title.

I recently decided to sell my beautiful 1994 Ford F150 pickup truck, so I posted an ad on craigslist for it. $2000. An absolute bargain. So much of a bargain that "Mike Duncan" aka "Craigslist Scammer" emailed me about it. Here's his first email:

"Hello sellerI saw your item listed on craigslist and am interested in buying.Please let me know if it is still available andyour final price for the item.Thank you and looking forward to your quick response to my inquiry.Contact me for any infoRegards Duncan"

I left everything intact, and didn't change a thing. The mistypes and bad sentence structure are all his doing. So, I replied to this email by saying:

"I can only sell it to you if you're from Nigeria. That's where the truck is located. I'm a prince and my father is the King. He owns the truck and wants to get rid of it."

Mike Duncan was either unphased by this situation or didn't get that I was joking, so he emailed me again:

"Thanks for getting back to me..I still have interest in the item and I want you to get hold of it for me cos I told you that I want to get it for myself as I really need the item..So I will like to see more pics of the item if you don't have don't bother okay,and I will like method of payment to be in Check,cashier check and bank certified check..or Money Order .So as soon as you receive it,I will wait till the payment clears in your bank before my shipping company will come for the pick up of the item in your location.....So I will like to have the following list for the payment
FULL NAME...........................
PHONE NUMBER..............................
So that my secretary can send out the payment in time and its available to cash in the bank or any cashing store around you..I will be looking forward to hear back from you....
Regards Mr Duncan"

At this point I was absolutely flabergasted at this guys stupidity, but a little impressed by his persistence. So, I thought I'd offer him a little advice. Here's my reply:

"Let me help you out with what you're trying to do by giving you 10 ways to make your scam better:

1. Use proper English, and proof read the scam emails you send people.
2. Refer to the "item" your'e buying as the actual item you're buying, instead of just calling it "item." You are supposedly buying a truck from me, so call it a truck.
3. If your scam gets shown in the public, then change it. People know, and they won't fall for it anymore.
4. "Mike Duncan" isn't a very good alias. Too common of a name.
5. Craigslist warns everyone NOT to take checks, so why would I take a check from you?
6. Let's be honest. You don't have a secretary. You're not making any money, so how can you pay a secretary?
7. I heard McDonald's is hiring. Get a real job!
8. It doesn't make sense that you would be willing to purchase a $2,000 truck without seeing it. Set up a face-to-face at least.
9. Make sure you read the replies to the first email you send out. I replied to you and said I was a Nigerian prince. Obviously you didn't read this before you wrote back to me and said you were still interested in buying my truck.
10. Buy a gun. Buy bullets. Put the gun in your mouth, and pull the trigger."

In retrospect, maybe the last part was a little bit too much. But I needed something to really grab his attention.

This is by far the longest blog post I've written. So, if you made it this far, you deserve to be rewarded. Heres your Craigslist posting of the day:

One final thought. I'm thinking about creating a 'Prank of the week' segment. Most of the pranks, obviously will be pulled on BK, because let's face it, he's just too easy to trick.


  1. First. Welcome to the blog world.

    Second. About the bathroom... when you went into the Ladies room, was there only one toilet? That would indicate that their bathrooms are indeed one person bathrooms... also, look for a lock on the door that sometimes helps - but sometimes not.


  2. I'm pretty sure there was only one toilet in the ladies room. I wasn't entirely paying attention since I was just so relieved to have finally found a bathroom.

  3. You are a Nigerian Princess. And this is bull, A. you didn't tell me about the craigslist scam

    B. I am not easy to trick F%#* you man!!!

    C. I am very upset that i didn't appear more in this blog. I feel like you missed out on saying my hilarious awesome pretend ADHD when you put stuff together. I found it particularily amusing when I asked if there was somehing i could do to help, and then you said no. I asked again and you said find out where that bolt goes and I replied instantaneously, "I'm Eating".

    And I say if the bathroom has only two toilets (mens room) 1 urinal and 1 stall, it is a person bathroom. You never go in there with someone unless you know the person.

  4. Well, to be fair, I've been giving you a lot of face time on the blog. And I didn't tell you about the craigslist scam because I thought it would be funnier if you read it on here.

    And you think you're not easy to trick, huh? Well I guess we'll see about that..

  5. bring it bitch. I deserve the facetime too cause its really only you and me who read this anyway.