Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fighting a sidewalk...with my face

It's a little after 11:00 in the pm on Sunday, and I am so tired that if Erin Andrews walked into my room right now and asked me to play spin the bottle with her and Rachel Nichols, I would say no. To help you understand my exhaustion, I'll give you a rundown of my weekend.


I had to work until 8, and then I met up with Kyle at his place. We watched the first half of a movie called 'Choke,' and then went bowling. They had a special that let you bowl from 11:30-2 a.m. for $15, so we did that. We bowled 8 games, and it didn't even take us 2 hours. Unfortunately, I was having a hard time channeling my inner Ernie McCracken that night, so my high game was a 157. But, I beat Kyle every game so that made me feel better. The strikes weren't coming easy for me, but I had one incredible spare in our 4th game. I left the 7 pin (this is the pin in the far left corner for you non-bowlers) standing from my first ball, and I wanted to have a little fun while trying to pick up the spare. I stood next to the computer screen by the chairs (about 20 feet or so from the foul line) and slowly rolled my ball down the lane. It couldn't have been going faster than 4 mph as it steadily crept toward the 7 pin (80+ feet away). Kyle and I watched it for what seemed like an eternity, and he died laughing when the pin fell. Dead center shot. Yeah, I'm that good.

So after bowling we went back to Kyle's house to finish 'Choke,' and it was hilarious. Sam Rockwell plays a sex addict/con artist, which makes for some excellent plotline. The movie was based on the novel Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, who also wrote Fight Club. Since I am a professional critic, I'll go ahead and give this movie a rating. B+

The movie ended around 3 am and I was home and asleep by 4. My dad was in town and he wanted to meet for breakfast Saturday morning, and I had to do it early, because I needed to make 2 deliveries (an elliptical and a bike) before I went into work at 10am.

I met dad and his gf for breakfast at 7am, after getting a little over 2 hours sleep. Then I made both of my deliveries, opened the store, and worked until 3. I immediately went home and slept, but only for about an hour, because I had to meet J Steve to jam, and then head to Dayton with Mariella to see Kevin (Kyle's twin brother.)

Dayton was well worth the trip. Mariella and I hung out with Kevin, his gf, and a lot of their civil engineer friends. (I'm convinced that UD only offers 2 degrees. Accounting and Civil Engineering.)

Mariella wanted to check out this place called the masque, so the 3 of us went (her, Kevin and I). When we got there, it was apparent that a large majority of the crowd was of the homosexual nature. Kevin and I took full advantage of this and jumped on the platform in the middle of the dance floor. We were dancing like it was 1999. Kevin did his patented strut, and I was basically bobbing my head to the beat and flailing my arms around. Even though both of us suck at dancing, we got our point across to every gay man in the joint. Kevin and I were a couple. This insured that we wouldn't get hit on once by a guy, and of course, we didn't, for the entire night.

After watching a drag show with Mariella and dancing with some girls (to wash the scent of gay off of us), we decided to call it a night. Kevin made the decision for us to walk home, which didn't turn out so well.

The sidewalks were completely covered with ice and it didn't help that I had drank a few juice boxes. Normally I am an extremely coordinated person, but that was not the case Saturday night. I took one wrong step, and faceplanted on the cement. So, today I look like Roy Jones Jr. after he got lit up by Joe Calzaghe. Except I cut my right eye, and Roy cut his left.

Hopefully my eye heals quickly because it's already getting old hearing people ask "What happened to your eye?" 189,702 times a day. I think I'm just going to start making up a new story every time someone asks me. This could be a lot of fun. "I pissed off an old lady and she took a louisville slugger to my face."

If you have any wonderful stories that I can use, feel free to post them under the comment section.

Oh, and as I promised, I kicked off the 'Prank of the week' or POTW. BK was the first victim. Here's the prank:

BK and I were working our usual Wednesday shift together, and during one of his lengthy conversations with a customer (the kid never stops talking. never.) I yanked his phone. He was texting some high school girl that he was supposed to take to a movie in 2 days. (We'll call her jailbait, or JB for short.) So I quickly go into his contacts and change her phone number to mine, and erase my name in the phone. I put his phone back, and the mayhem began. He comes back to his phone and sees that he has a message from jailbait. It reads 'I have to be honest with you. I think we should hook up Friday night.'

The look on his face was absolutely priceless. His eyes lit up, and a big smile came to his face. I was hoping he'd immediately show me the message and start bragging, but that didn't happen. He replies, and I flick open my phone. 'No.'

No?!? Ok, this gave me all the proof I needed to close the ongoing case of BK's sexual preference. He likes the sausage.

I was still having a little fun with this, so I sent him another text. 'What if I got one of my girlfriends to join us?'

He didn't get excited by this message like he did the first. His fingers were blazing at a mile a minute and he wrote a freaking novel of a text message, when 'Yes' would have done just fine. Here's what he said:

'I don't think we should do that, and I dont think this is really jailbait texting me, blah blah blah.'

You don't need to hear the rest, trust me. I probably could have went on with this for a while and convinced him that it was JB texting him, but I didn't have the energy. So I showed him my phone and the messages he was sending to me. He called me a few choice words and I simply reminded him of the comment he wrote on my previous blog post.

"I am not easy to trick F%#* you man!!!"

Seriously man, keep your eyes and ears open, and your butthole closed. These pranks will be a lot more fun for me if I actually have to try.


  1. lol that prank would have been great... if you could have pulled it off!

  2. So I try this again because I tried to post yesterday and your blog malfunctioned. I would like to inform everyone that JB is over 18. She is 2 years and about 10 months younger than me. Yarberry also neglected to include his basketball game on sunday so let me clue everyone in as if I was John Yarberry.

    After work I went to our basketball game. I was happy to see that we had two subs and Tears McGee wasn't there to spoil our fun time. Our team jumped out on the opposition with Steve being $$$$ from range. Even I made a few shots. Of course great things do come to an end and after halftime, we put on a spectle of shit for our three fans to watch. My boss, Steve's girlfriend, and my good buddy BK showed up and I'm ashamed on myself for allowing my team to lose at one point an 18 point lead. Oh well, it is rec basketball and at least there were no tears this round. I'm thinking next week of wearing some indoor soccer cleats and a headband and channeling my inner Doug!

    So there you are loyal readers.....damn, I mean, author Yarberry and myself, the two people who find this funny.

    And getting pranked like that was all part of my evil plan. Its coming Yarborough!

  3. Good stuff BK. I think your comments are starting to get some attention from some of my several loyal readers. Which will help you when you finally get to write a post.

    Even though you've proven that JB is 18, I will continue referring to her as such, and probably also throw in some "Robbing the cradle" jokes.